Naturally I thought I would slay it on Tinder. I’m above average looking, smart, can spell and have all my teeth. I figured that it had to be leaps and bounds better and far more efficient than POF or Match. Swipe left or right and the magic happens. Well, let’s just say that if I was a girl of extremely low self-esteem, I probably would have slit my wrists by now from rejection and no one actually speaking to me. I still have my teeth, but my ego definitely sustained a small blow.

It has built in staking methods. You can see Instagram posts if yours is connected. Shit, now he knows your deepest fears and secret love of Marilyn Monroe memes. He thinks you are crazy. Swipe left. He also knows if you share interests and friends on facebook. Double shit, he can ask questions about you. Swipe left–with the caveat being he will try to dig up information on you. It is by far THE dating app if you are in the top 10% of lazy ass people.

Bud Light ads! Really Tinder?! So are we just catering to frat boys and party girls? How about something for the grown-ups: perhaps a couple’s massage or a discount at Lover’s Lane. I’m getting horny from the lack of follow through and my vibrator could use replacing. Swipe left and rolls eyes at the loudness of the ad. P.S. sometimes it actually startles me. You should do something about that, Tinder. You don’t listen to my needs, oh mighty Tinder shuffler.

Moments–WTF?! Is that not why someone should upload actual photos of themselves? Otherwise, moments just look like that annoying Facebook friend that posts about their every move. And by the way, you already have the Instagram option. I can see what they had for breakfast over there. Thanks anyway, jerks! I’m not mad at ya though, Tinder. You’re making a buck and the Millennials are spreading HPV, so win-win right?! By the way, where should I send your invite and do you want chicken or steak?